Monday, March 02, 2009

Thank You

I would like to express my thanks to someone very special to me. He has done so much for me, although he may not have realised it.

Let's just leave out the boring bit on how we met and got to know each other. Let's just jump straight to the part where he asks me to be his girlfriend. I still find it very amazing how the timing fits in so perfectly! He asked me to be his girlfriend on exactly the day I broke up with Brandon one year ago!

I never knew that a break-up can cause me so much pain. For the first three months after my break-up with with Brandon, I was a ghost. The pain radiates to every fibre in my body, so much so that I was literally rolling in pain. It was so painful that I wished I could just stab my heart just so that I can stop that pain. I couldn't eat. Most of the days the most I could swallow was one cup of Milo, and I literally had to force myself to swallow that. I had no choice but to lie to my Mum everyday that I have already eaten outside, or else she would be worried about me. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes, I see him and I start crying. I would wake up every morning with a pounding headache and his name in my lips. I don't dare to go outside. Everything and anything will make me think of him and I will start crying involuntarily.

It became slightly better by the forth month. I started going out a little and I could eat a little bit more. Then I started having dreams about Brandon every night. It would be a different scene every night, and I would wake up every morning with the dream fresh in my mind.

I could still remember the last dream I had of Brandon. We were at a train station. He told me that he is going to a place far away. I asked him if I could follow him. He gave me a sad smile and told me that he is going to a place I cannot go. And I woke up. That is the last time I dreamt of him, ever. It is a farewell dream.

By the sixth month, I could eat normally. I could go out for short periods of time without bursting into tears every few minutes. All that reminds of Brandon is a dull aching pain that I know will remain forever.

I made a promise to myself that I will move on with my life after our one year break-up anniversary (is there actually such a thing as a break-up anniversary?). On exactly the day I decided to move on with my life, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He held out his hand and I knew that I simply had to place my hand in his to say "Yes", but I was scared. After what happened with Brandon, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared. But then I thought: just give it a try. It can't get any worse than the last time. So I closed my eyes and put my hand into his big hand. And he did the smart thing. He closed his hand immediately. I have a sneaking suspicion that if he hadn't done that, I would have withdrawn my hand the next second.

So that hand-in-hand sealed my fate. And I am happy to say that I have made the right choice. I'm not saying that he is perfect. No one is perfect. He has his short-comings too. It's just that we compliment each other. We have a lot in common, and we also have our differences which makes life all the interesting. We poke fun at each other and we squabble.

But the best thing I love about him is his big heart. How many guys have the ability and confidence to love a girl who still cannot forget her ex-boyfriend? How many guys can tolerate the kind of nonsense I throw at him? How many guys have the strength of heart to love this imperfect me?

I have told him everything about me and my ex-boyfriend. From how we got together till how we broke up. He knows that I still miss Brandon and that I probably will always love him, but he still dares to love me.

I love you, my big teddy bear. I can't promise you that everything will be smooth for us, all I can say is: I have never regretted loving you. No matter what happens to us in the future, I will love you always.
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